You used to have a healthy relationship but then something happened. Somehow, someway, your partner disappointed you — not enough to completely break you but enough to shake your once rock-solid foundation.
You agree to work through it. “We can get through this,” you think, and you prepare to go all in. However, you can’t resist the temptation to keep pointing out just how much damage has already been done.
“You have to understand I’m nervous,” you say. “It’s going to take a while for me to trust you again.”
If you and your partner are trying to move beyond a major incident or break a painful old habit that keeps rearing its ugly head, a little skepticism is only natural. You have all the evidence in the world to prove how badly love can go, after all. But hold onto that skepticism and you’ll find yourself faced with a serious catch-22. Here’s the thing.
You cannot receive the best from your partner while expecting the worse.
Put another way, you can not move forward while holding on to the past. It’s a simple fact.
If your partner says, “I love you,” and your mind goes straight to, “yes, but he hurt me,” you are, in that moment, choosing fear over love.
If your partner brings you flowers and you think, “why couldn’t he have done this before we had that fight,” you are, in that moment, choosing fear over love.
In order to create and maintain a healthy relationship, you need to show up from a place of love, and as long as fear is present, love can not prevail. Of course, letting go of fear isn’t easy when you’re feeling wounded. So, what are you supposed to do?
Suspend your disbelief and imagine that everything is going to be OK.
That’s right. Use your imagination. Put your skepticism in the closet and show up in each new moment as if that moment is all you know.
Don’t judge each moment on what came before it, but on what is presenting itself to you right there and then. Set aside thoughts of why and how things may or may not work out, and operate on the assumption that they will — unless something occurs to suggest otherwise.
In other words, trust.
Trusting in your ability to restore a healthy relationship takes vulnerability.
If you’ve been hurt, it’s natural to want to protect your heart and your ego. At least this way you’ll be able to say “I was right,” if things don’t work out. But this desire to be right may be the very thing that sabotages your shot at a healthy relationship.
Embark on the healing phase of your relationship believing that your efforts are going to fail and they probably (almost definitely) will. Not because magical forces are in effect but because YOU WILL MAKE IT SO.
Said Maya Angelou:
“Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.”
Are you willing to be brave? Are you willing to risk being wrong? Are you willing to suspend your disbelief? Granted, there is a chance that your trust (and heart) will be broken once again but consider the alternative: if you don’t choose trust, your relationship doesn’t stand a chance.
Viv for Today xo
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