I’m not bored. I don’t feel alone. I’m not looking to make new friends. I just want to be loved. Or at least, feel as if I am.
There was a full moon on January 31. It was no coincidence that I woke up feeling out of wack on February 1.
I used to think this whole moon-cycle business was a bit airy-fairy, but personal experience has taught me otherwise. Having only very recently published my post on True Happiness, there I was feeling ghastly. Damn that moon.
I texted one of my besties. “I am full of self-loathing. I need a friend. Can we talk?”
Her reply was simply fantastic. “What have you eaten?” How well this woman knows me. But no, this wasn’t about me overindulging on chips or chocolate. As I put it to her, I was concerned that I might be a jackass.
Why doesn’t anybody call me?
That’s the question that spurred this emotional dive. As you’ll know if you read my above-mentioned ramblings on happiness, I’m more than content with my lot in life, as simple as it is. The weekends come and go. Often, but not always, they are uneventful. Still, I never look back and think, now there’s a gap I would have filled with someone else’s company given the chance.
But there’s something about being wanted, isn’t there?
I think my last post backfired on me. One minute, there I was thinking, “look at me not seeing much of anybody and not doing much of anything but still happy.” The next, I’m thinking, “sure, I’m happy, but come to think of it, why exactly is nobody calling me?”
I just want to be loved. If they loved me, they’d call. Wouldn’t they?
This thought had me fixated on two friends in particular. Both of these friends have always, in the past, enthusiastically accepted my invitations when I’ve presented them. On the flip side, however, one of them rarely reaches out to me and the other has literally never done so. In fact, I put the latter (let’s call her L for Latter) to the test. Highly immature, I know.
I last saw L nearly two years ago. Since then, nothing. Not a peep. So what’s the story? Is she busy? Do I ever cross her mind? And if so, what is she thinking? Does she miss me? Or does she not like me?
In an attempt to console myself, I looked towards my inner circle. Things have been relatively quiet there, too. Why oh why has nobody been reaching out? Despair set in. That’s when I texted my friend who availed herself to me immediately, as good friends do in times of crisis.
I shared my concerns about being a jackass, as well as evidence to support this point of view. She (kindly) rejected my case and told me that she too goes through phases when she feels friends are few and far between. I talked through my predicament with my patient friend. I honestly couldn’t grasp why I cared so much given I’m truly happy. And then it dawned on me.
I just want to be loved, or at the very least, believe that I am loved.
With this top of mind, I went to see a movie with a friend of mine (yes, notwithstanding all the grumbling above, I have more than one friend). As we were waiting for the movie to begin, I muttered something about feeling disgruntled on account of my quiet social life.
“Get out,” she exclaimed. “I’ve been feeling exactly the same way all week!”
And then the movie started. When we picked up our conversation a couple of hours later, we both took comfort in realizing that if the two of us felt this way, chances were some of our other friends also felt this way. Perhaps, they, like us, were spending most of their time hunkered down at home because they felt like spending most of their time hunkered down at home. And perhaps the full moon had even psyched a couple of them into thinking they were unlikeable, too.
They say be careful what you wish for. I say be careful what you look for.
Look for proof that you’re unlovable and you’ll find proof that you’re unlovable. Look for proof that you’re loved and you’ll find proof that you’re loved.
I just want to be loved. Having lived with my eyes wide open these past few days, it’s become blatantly apparent that I am. How about you?
Viv for today xo
While we’re on the subject of love and friendship, check out this post I wrote while contemplating how to be a true friend.
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