I just want to be loved. And you?

I’m not bored. I don’t feel alone. I’m not looking to make new friends. I just want to be loved. Or at least, feel as if I am. 

There was a full moon on January 31. It was no coincidence that I woke up feeling out of wack on February 1.

I used to think this whole moon-cycle business was a bit airy-fairy, but personal experience has taught me otherwise. Having only very recently published my post on True Happiness, there I was feeling ghastly. Damn that moon.

I texted one of my besties. “I am full of self-loathing. I need a friend. Can we talk?”

Her reply was simply fantastic. “What have you eaten?” How well this woman knows me. But no, this wasn’t about me overindulging on chips or chocolate. As I put it to her, I was concerned that I might be a jackass.

Damn that beautiful moon. Photo credit: Justin T’annix

Why doesn’t anybody call me?

That’s the question that spurred this emotional dive. As you’ll know if you read my above-mentioned ramblings on happiness, I’m more than content with my lot in life, as simple as it is. The weekends come and go. Often, but not always, they are uneventful. Still, I never look back and think, now there’s a gap I would have filled with someone else’s company given the chance.

But there’s something about being wanted, isn’t there?

I think my last post backfired on me. One minute, there I was thinking, “look at me not seeing much of anybody and not doing much of anything but still happy.” The next, I’m thinking, “sure, I’m happy, but come to think of it, why exactly is nobody calling me?”

I just want to be loved. If they loved me, they’d call. Wouldn’t they?

This thought had me fixated on two friends in particular. Both of these friends have always, in the past, enthusiastically accepted my invitations when I’ve presented them. On the flip side, however, one of them rarely reaches out to me and the other has literally never done so. In fact, I put the latter (let’s call her L for Latter) to the test. Highly immature, I know.

I last saw L nearly two years ago. Since then, nothing. Not a peep. So what’s the story? Is she busy? Do I ever cross her mind? And if so, what is she thinking? Does she miss me? Or does she not like me?

I just want to be loved - image 3

I just want to be loved. Photo credit: Gerhard Gellinger

In an attempt to console myself, I looked towards my inner circle. Things have been relatively quiet there, too. Why oh why has nobody been reaching out? Despair set in. That’s when I texted my friend who availed herself to me immediately, as good friends do in times of crisis.

I shared my concerns about being a jackass, as well as evidence to support this point of view. She (kindly) rejected my case and told me that she too goes through phases when she feels friends are few and far between. I talked through my predicament with my patient friend. I honestly couldn’t grasp why I cared so much given I’m truly happy. And then it dawned on me.

I just want to be loved, or at the very least, believe that I am loved.

With this top of mind, I went to see a movie with a friend of mine (yes, notwithstanding all the grumbling above, I have more than one friend). As we were waiting for the movie to begin, I muttered something about feeling disgruntled on account of my quiet social life.

“Get out,” she exclaimed. “I’ve been feeling exactly the same way all week!”

I just want to be loved image 4

And then the movie started. When we picked up our conversation a couple of hours later, we both took comfort in realizing that if the two of us felt this way, chances were some of our other friends also felt this way. Perhaps, they, like us, were spending most of their time hunkered down at home because they felt like spending most of their time hunkered down at home. And perhaps the full moon had even psyched a couple of them into thinking they were unlikeable, too.

They say be careful what you wish for. I say be careful what you look for.

Look for proof that you’re unlovable and you’ll find proof that you’re unlovable. Look for proof that you’re loved and you’ll find proof that you’re loved.

I just want to be loved. Having lived with my eyes wide open these past few days, it’s become blatantly apparent that I am. How about you?

Viv for today xo

While we’re on the subject of love and friendship, check out this post I wrote while contemplating how to be a true friend.

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2020-12-10T14:49:25-05:00February 6th, 2018|Categories: WELLBEING|4 Comments


  1. Cathy Tubb February 7, 2018 at 11:10 am - Reply

    Oh Viv! I may just have to make a trip to Toronto one day just so we can meet. I’m pretty sure we were destined to be friends. In the meantime this online friendship will have to do. You always seem to echo my own thoughts on these kind of issues.
    I have some good friends, but I always feel that unless I call nothing happens. Partly I know my issue is that I would far rather do things (except shop) with my husband – which is a very good thing :) it means we have a fantastic marriage.
    I wouldn’t worry too much – you can totally chalk it up to the full moon – because I am sure you are loved and liked! I mean I like you and I haven’t even met you :)

    • Viv February 7, 2018 at 11:26 am - Reply

      The feeling is so mutual, Cathy. I look forward to that meeting … one day :)

  2. Susan Ward February 10, 2018 at 10:14 am - Reply

    Thanks for openly sharing these vulnerable thoughts that many would not articulate Viv.

    Moon notwithstanding I am certain we all share them at some time. I do believe moon phases, weather, post occasion lulls and other such things have a big effect. There are also the very tangible realities of a Canadian winter. Though beautiful and breathtaking some days, in general it brings along the very real effects of SAD (Seasonal affective disorder) a very common and insidious thief of joy.

    You are loved!!

    Wish I were taking time to more regularly read your posts than I do. Always thought provoking and insightful!

    • Viv February 11, 2018 at 9:12 am - Reply

      Thank you for your even more thought-provoking and insightful response, Sue x

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